Life…

My life has not been what I have imagined it to be at this point. For some things I cannot complain and for some things I just want so many things to change. I suppose everyone feels that way at some point and that horrible cliche phrase “everything happens for a reason” ends up being true. But for the moment, it’s a hard phrase to hear and accept.

The past few months, heck, the past year, has brought me nothing but pain. I had someone I cared greatly about decide that I wasn’t what he wanted anymore and went out and searched for something better, while still seeing me, by the way. Which brought up horrible memories of my ex fiance, who a month before our wedding date cheated on my with someone he met online. Overall for that situation, however, I am glad it happened. It was better to happen then than a year into our marriage. Last year’s incident hit me like a ton of bricks. It took a long time to stop feeling awful about absolutely everything, I barely left the house, barely talked to anyone, and just lived a life of solitude. I still think about him, as horrible as that is, as he deserves no thoughts. But the past few months I hadn’t really, until recently, and again it felt like I was hit by a bus. A guy that I like, so very much, I noticed joining a online dating site. I overall cannot be upset, we’re not dating, he’s made it clear that he didn’t want to date me, however my feelings were never kept a secret and truthfully I would have just like to have been told “you’re wasting your time, I’m just not interested.” Which now, I think I can finally get. It’s not that he doesn’t want to date, he doesn’t want to date me, and I should be okay with this. He’s not a bad person, at all, I actually think he’s pretty wonderful, it’s just apparently not a good fit and I do wish him all the best…it just hurt so badly because of my past. I probably wouldn’t have been affected like I had this past week had I not had that past. My friends try to do their best of offering words like “he’s nothing forget about him” and I just ignore it, as I feel he’s a good person, it’s just not a good time and I’m not a good fit. Hopefully someday I can get past my feeling as become a friend because I do think he’d be a pretty great friend, and those are hard to find.

So to get back to my happy me, the preferred me, I am taking time out for me. No more social media for a while, some traveling, some reading, focusing more of school, and just trying to be me and do all the things I love to do. Class begins again on Saturday, I have a great day planned with my friend after that, I stocked up on some good books, and I have a mini vacation planned for later this month. Things will get better. I just need to focus on myself and stop being overloaded with so much information from everywhere. I’ve deactivated facebook and twitter, temporarily I’m sure because I don’t want to be cut off from the world, but a much needed break…and I already feel a little better.

Things will get better.

Emails of truth

This is probably the most truthful email I ever got from my friend. Noted! And proceeding on with life…

I agree you need to stop putting yourself through this. And I think you give _________ more credit that he deserves in terms of his motives for contacting you. Relationships aren’t supposed to be confusing. At any given moment you know exactly where you stand with your friends….a romantic relationship should feel that same way in that regard.